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Ghosts of Mars(2001)

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :



"You Don't Stand A Ghost Of A Chance"

Damn! Natasha Henstridge is one fine looking member of the Mars Police Force(MPF)! Take it off baby! Two hundreds years in the future and humans are forming colonies on Mars. Original? No.  I think we've all seen this before but anyway.

Ghosts of Mars starts with officer Melanie Ballard(Natasha Henstridge) arriving hand cuffed into a train which  was doing a routine prisoner transfer from one Martian city to another. She begins to tell her story of why her crew and prisoner are missing in front of some sort of Mars Police Council. Turns out that Miss Ballard and her crew encountered a group of city miners who fell victim to a prehistoric space dust that has turn them all into a bunch of blood thirsty freaks. They all look like extras from the latest Marilyn Manson video shoot. Wasn't bad enough that Ballard's crew was attempting to transfer Mar's most dangerous criminal for trail in another city but now they have hundreds of blood thirsty mutants on them as well. Never fear. Their prisoner, James "Desolation" Williams, played by the one and only Ice Cube(thank God), decides that it's in his best interest to form an  alliance with Ballard's posse and to fight off the Mars Mutants and maybe, just maybe release a rap album sometime in 2204 called 'M12'. Williams is up on murder charges but it turns out that he is innocent. The Mutants are the ones to blame. If  Williams can get back to the city with Officer Ballard he can clear his name. Just kiddin' about the album! So anyway  Williams and his band of bad asses along with Ballard and her hot ass, bind together to kick some Martian mutant ass! Sit back and enjoy the predictable and highly unoriginal mess!

What the fuck!?!? Two tylenols later I can honestly say that this is some pretty cheesy shit.  This is not one of John Carpenter best! Quite far from it. It tried to be way too hip and ripped off way  too many movies in the process. Pitch Black, Day of the Dead and Army of Darkness come to mind immediately. Ghosts offered a shit load of violence, gore, hip hop one liners(that's right mutha fucker) and some very loud guitar riffs(which seemed to go on and on through out the whole movie) but offered little in the way of entertainment. It wasn't the type of movie I expected to be yawning through. And for a movie that is  only 1 hour and 38 minutes long that can't be good!

The worst part of this movie had to be the beginning.  It starts with the ending,  We know after Officer Ballard arrives hand cuffed on the train that she is the only surviver.  I found that a real downer once the movie got going.  Id prefer not to know who going to get their ass sliced and diced by the Mutants. And oh yeah the ending is probably equally as awful. Please dont make a sequel.  They left it open for one... sigh.

Henry's Comments

 "This movie really needed some T&A!"