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Valentine(2001)

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :
 

 

 

From the same director(Jamie Blanks) that brought you Urban Lengend comes another very shitty movie  called Valentine. Mr Blanks shouldn't be allowed to direct another movie if you ask me. I could have swore I was watching a a very bad remake of Halloween with a dash of Scream! Blanks may want to work with some new writers next time around if he does decide to direct again.  Maybe some writers who can actually write some original!

Thirteen years earlier we a have a geek named Jeremy Melton at a Junior Hig dance asking all the girls if they would like to dance. They all turn him down and tell him off one by one  but he keeps asking the next girl anyway. I think he would have given up after the first 2 or 3 but  anyway... Finally he asks a chubby girl named Dorthy if she would like to dance and she actually says yes. A group of jocks find them making out and Dorthy tells them that Jeremy has attacked her and she is not willingly making out with him(since he is a geek). The guys put a beating on him in the middle of the school gym.  Now in the present the girls from the same dance 13 years ago start to receive twisted valetine cards  with the initials JM. Could it be Jeremy Melton? Do we really care? Of course people start getting knocked off one by one and we're suppose to be all puzzled and not  know who the killer is! If you can actually sit through the whole movie you find out in the end that there are no surprises to who the killer is! But what the killer looks like 13 years later is a surprise. Gee I never would have guessed that the killer was dating one of the air head  girls in the movie! Jokes on them! Happy Valentines Day bitch! Never seen that coming!  I think I saw the plot for Valentine before when it was in movie called Slaughter High! Mr Blanks can't make a movie on his own! He has to steal ideas from other movies! Nothing new here!  Even the killings scenes look like they came straight out of any of the Halloween movies. Only difference being the stupid cupid mask that the killer wears.

This movie is nothing more than an attempt to cash in on the Scream/Urban Legend/I Know  What You Did Last Summer/In Crowd teenage crowd! There is nothing offered in Valetine to justify  for paying to see it. The story is as used and worn as a 40 year old hooker, the acting is awful(Denise Richards is the main starlette haha), the cast is nothing but a bunch of rich preps who none of use can come close to relating to, the violence and gore is very tame and Denise Richards keeps her clothes on!

If anyone out there has seen this flick I have a question for you! What was up with the  scene where the Detective asked Denise Richard's character to stay for a minute and he starts  questioning her on the sexual tension between them. Where did this come from? It didn't fit  or make any sense at all!

Henry's Comments

 "Roses are red, violets are blue, this movie sucks Jamie Blanks so fuck you!"