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War of the Worlds(2005)

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :


"Cruise    Spielberg    CRAP!"

I’ve been waiting for this remake since at least 2000. I saw the entry for the flick on Upcoming Movies and instantly became erect.  Then last week I went to see this piece of shit of a movie and walked out of the theatre with an erectile disfunction. 

Present day, bizzarre lightning storms occuring. Ground cracks and up comes giant alien tri-pod machines that quickly begin to waste everything in their path for some reason. So much for take me to your leader or we come in piece.  This is a summer block buster god damnit and we need lots of explosions and silly chase scenes.

A dead beat dad named Ray(Tom Cruise) and his 2 kids who are over for the weekend, decide to find the only working van in North America(Alien attack has haulted all mechanical things but luckily the movie introduced Cruise’s character as an engine expert to set up his daring escape from the aliens.  Brilliant!) and get the hell out of dodge.  Odds are you would never be able to drive any sort of vechicle down any road with millions of stalled cars congesting the highways but this is “Cruise   Spielberg”!!!  Yeah so they somehow manage to drive this van all over the greater North Eastern United States, finally coming to some ferry boat service which they decide to get on along with thousands of overs.  With aliens attacking the last place I would ever want to be is on a boat but hey that’s me. Oh right, they had to get on the boat because it was one of the biggest scenes in the movies.  Doesn’t matter that it didn’t make any sense... silly me.  So moving along, Ray and his daughter(his son has disappeared at this point to join the army... don’t ask), end up going to some farm house in the middle of the alien attack where they share conspiracy theories and twinkies with the crazed owner.  In the middle of the night, as they sleep, an alien comes into the house and we get an awesome 20 minute scene of them all trying to hide from it. One of the worst scenes I have ever scene in any movie! 

So what happens in the end?  Go rent the original 1953 version and find out! It’s much better!

Henry's Comments

 "I hear in the alternate ending, Sciencetology saves the day."